Our (sexiest body parts) are tingling! There’s a new (adjective) web site we’ve got to tell you about. While you read this, you can gently (verb) your (body part) while dreaming of (action verbing) Ann Coulter in the (body part) with a rusty chainsaw.
Turned on yet? Hoochymail.com is just what the love doctor ordered for anyone who simply prefers to communicate via form letter.
This site’s devoted to getting the romantic ball rolling by helping you compose a free erotic letter to your luvah, or you can send a gift book of six stories ($14.95). There are six M4M and F4F fantasies (denoted on the site with a *) ranging from “Always shower after a workout” to “Who wants to go for a dip?”
You enter basic information about yourself and stats on the recipient of your erotic masterpiece. Pick between sexy, X-rated or off-the-wall versions.
We thought “off-the-wall” meant outrageously pornographic, but it’s actually really bizarre, so be warned. You’ll be sending your dearest a message with sweet nothings about your “bulging Christianity,” “licking his metabolism,” or “putting his opera in your mouth.”
So take our advice: Stick with sexy or X-rated and leave the gay comedy to Ellen