Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Seasonal Affective Reorder

As you can tell by our leathery hide, we spend enough time in the tanning booth that we don’t have to worry about getting those winter blues brought about by Seasonal Affective Disorder. In fact, we probably get all the bright light we need just from the reflection of our laser-white chompers shining back at us in the mirror.

The disorder we’re talking about isn’t so much about chasing away depression as it is about maximizing our time during the holiday hustle and bustle to make it to the right events. The philosophy is simple: two parts stuff you want to do to every one part family obligation and work event. Seriously, take two things that you actually want to go to then call us in the morning. You’ll feel better in no time.

Thetan Thespians
A Very Merry Unauthorized Children's Scientology Pageant
Tonight through Saturday, December 20
Somewhere Tom Cruise is very angry, not only are his favorite pair of shoes on a shelf the poor thing just can’t reach without breaking out the step stool, but his beloved religion is also being skewered in a local musical comedy. We’d recommend a sedative to calm him down, but don’t want to get into a Brooke Shields-like catfight with the lil’ fella. Guess we’ll have to take Katie as our date to this musical send up of L. Ron Hubbard’s work, assuming we still have that spare key for her shackles.

Tickets: $20 – $30
Circle Theater
230 West Forth Street, Fort Worth

Bulging Sacks (Of Toys)
Texas Ballet Theater presents The Nutcracker
Tonight through Sunday, December 21 in Fort Worth
Football and ballet may seem like totally opposite worlds to the untrained eye, but upon closer inspection we can tell you how to have fun at both. Step one: drinking. For football go with beer, for ballet opt for a nice pre-show white wine or perhaps some really strong eggnog. Step two: if your mind starts to wander or you get bored (which is often our case at either event), just focus your attention on the really tights pants, or in the case of ballet – tights! Soon you’ll be transported to your own magical world following the bouncing balls as toy soldiers and quarterbacks do whatever it is they do. Three hours will feel like five minutes has passed.

Tickets: $19 -$99
Bass Hall
4th and Calhoun Streets, Fort Worth
(In Dallas December 23-28)

And To Thine Own ELF Be True
The Santaland Diaries
Through Sunday, December 28
Forget It’s A Wonderful Life, we prefer our Christmas tales on the subversive side complete with cursing and naughtiness. Nye Cooper reprises his annual role as a disenchanted elf in David Sedaris’ one-man-show later chronicled in his books Barrel Fever and Holidays On Ice. A must-see if you really want to be put in the snarky holiday spirit.

Tickets: $12
Contemporary Theatre of Dallas
5601 Sears Street, Dallas

Arty Alumination
Pard Morrison Ghost Call Love
Closes Saturday, December 20
It was harder than finding a guy who didn’t lie about his “swimmer’s build” on his ManHunt profile, but we were able to track down at least one non-holiday themed event for you this week. Enjoy the paintings and welded works of minimalist artist Pard Morrison. Think of it as our gift to you, a special place free from the Musak version of Alvin and The Chipmunks’ “Christmas Time.”

Marty Walker Gallery
2135 Farrington Street, Dallas

Grape Expectations
Christmas Eve Dining
Wednesday, December 24, beginning 5:30 p.m.
You’ll have Christmas Day to choke down mom’s famous “dryer-than-the-Sahara” turkey, so why not treat yourself to a last meal at The Grape before washing down that sawdust-filled poultry with some box wine. Start off with a delicious Cheese and Charcuterie Plate, then move on to Braised Pork “Osso Bucco” or perhaps a Crispy Peking Duck Breast. Round out the whole meal with wine from The Grape’s extensive collection. You know, the fancy stuff that comes in bottles. Reservations recommended.

The Grape
2808 Greenville Avenue, Dallas
(214) 828-1981