For months now, the gays have been all abuzz about the hottest health club to hit the Dallas scene since Curves started letting in trannies. On Tuesday, Equinox Highland Park opened with the white-hot intensity of a thousand tanning beds.
They built it, we came. And we went.
But now that the protein powder has settled and we’re already anxious to turn our attention to the next bright-and-shiny that appears on our social-cultural radar, is the hype justified? Well, yes.
And we’ve got the $100-plus monthly memberships to prove it.
Designed like a high-end spa, Equinox is stunning at every turn from its gleaming mod fixtures to the beautiful staff. The music is pumping when you walk through the door and except for the glaring absence of a martini glass in our hands, it’s just like a gay bar – hot muscle men flexing in front of the mirrors.
The amenities are spectacular, from the well appointed locker rooms to the oh-so-helpful attendants always popping by to make sure you have everything you need, from the sweat towel on the treadmill to the defibrillator they pulled out when we were simply adjusting our iPod headphones, NOT clutching our chest during Zumba! class. We explained it to the Highland Park Fire Department several times, but they weren’t buyin’ it.
Every piece of equipment is state-of-the-art, the two-lane lap pool is kept at a comfortable year-round temperature so you can smoke a doobie and make like Mr. Phelps for a few minutes. An on-site Greenz salad café is ready to give your engine some power and the boutique is stocked with the cutest workout wear you ever did see.
But it’s the classes that are truly amazing. This place has more group fitness choices than the entire Richard Simmons DVD collection. No matter your skill level or inborn lack of rhythm, you can sweat with the oldies and the twinks.
Just like Alexandre’s.
The only thing that is truly indulgent, even for Highland Park, is the valet parking. Really?
It’s called exercise for a reason, but if you’re the type who takes the elevator down one floor to spinning class, then not only are you crazy, you’re a tool. And we think valet parking at a gym is quite simply Equinoxious.
Now where did we put our claim ticket?
Monthly memberships start at $140
4023 Oak Lawn Avenue, Dallas