Jane Fonda Who? Sweatin’ to the What? Gold’s Where?
There’s only one instance when a gay man will ever tell you he wants fewer inches. And that’s around his waist. Even if it’s from Miller Genuine Draft 64-calorie, a “beer belly is a beer belly is a beer belly.” (© 2010, Gaytrude Stein)
Crunches aren’t doing it. Hours of cardio can’t cut it. Even our trusty index finger is useless ever since we lost our gag reflex.
So what’s a 9.5 got to do to become a 10?
For the first time in Dallas, Luxury on Lovers is debuting the one machine more likely to change your life than Rosie on The Jetsons. It’s called the VIP Lipo Line and looks like a high-tech gas pump.
But don’t be fooled. It may appear to be a technological marvel of metal, mirrors and computer chips, but it’s not. It’s made of magic. 100% pure, free-range, leprechaun-lovin’ magic.
To experience the most benefit, there’s a recommended three-step process. First is the all-important fat-melting session. The aesthetician rubs a special gel all over your stomach and, similar to what we think a sonogram would be like, runs a device all around for 20 minutes on each side. The ultrasonic shock waves melt the fat and break it down. A few Big Gulps of H2O later and you’re flushing the fat right out of your system.
Next, they place electrode pads on your abs and love handles, then introduce electrical stimulus. This contracts the muscles and provides the equivalent of 3 hours of concentrated exercise in just 20 minutes.
The final stage is the Isogei function, which places electrode pads where your “six pack” should be. And in just 10 minutes, you’re getting the effect of one thousand crunches. (And not the Nestlé variety.)
So we know you’re probably wondering why we think this is so great. Well, Luxury on Lovers treated us to three sessions of the procedures in various combinations to prove how effective it really is. After three sessions spread out over three days (with one rest day in between), we lost a total of five pounds and four-and-a-half inches in our belly.
Each of the two electrical stimulus phases are modified to your own pain threshold so don’t fear that you’re going to be shocked off the table like that time in rehab. The dials go up to 127 and we made it up to 102 without any discomfort whatsoever. It’s like that tingly feeling you get when sticking your tongue on a 9-volt battery (or seeing Zac Efron in the shower) – only in multiple places at once.
It truly is the most amazing procedure we’ve ever experienced in a spa. Best of all, it motivated us to leave Luxury on Lovers and head straight for the gym to keep the momentum going. Because even though it’s magical, if you run right out for a Beefy 5-Layer Burrito instead of a date with a treadmill, your results aren’t going to last as long as they could, or should.
But it’s a great kick start or final step to a better you.
So for anyone trying to fit into a wedding dress, lose the love handles before swimsuit season or simply tone up an already fit body, this is nothing short of miraculous. And the machine can be used anywhere you have muscles, making the body improvements limitless. Butts, breasts, legs, abs, even faces will benefit from the firming, toning and metabolic increase from the VIP Lipo Line at Luxury on Lovers.
It’s not cheap, but the results are amazing (we wouldn’t recommend it if they weren’t). And considering that before now it took invasive surgery to see the same results, it’s quite a bargain.
We don’t really care about the cost, though. When it comes to beauty, we’ll eat Ramen noodles for a week to save money so we can buy another treatment.
But don’t worry about us, there’s no Ramen in our future. Because when you’re pretty, people buy you dinner, laugh at your stupid jokes, and give you cash. Then you buy more fat-melting treatments, which leads to more dinners, more cash, and maybe even a new Mercedes.
It’s the circle of life.
Individual sessions $250-$320
Customized 10-session packages start at $2,500
4703 West Lovers Lane, Dallas
Gay List Daily Subscriber Special:
Mention Gay List Daily when booking and save 10% off five sessions or 15% off a 10-session package.
Dash For The Beads This Weekend
Today is the last day to register online for the Bishop Arts District's inaugural DASH FOR THE BEADS, a 5K run, 1 mile walk and costume contest benefitting “Light Up Bishop Arts.” The event takes place Saturday, Feb 6, at 9:00 a.m.
Needing justification to booze and wear that Cher wig before noon on a Saturday? This is it.
Visit www.DashForTheBeads.org to register.