It’s hard to believe Valentine’s Day is this Sunday. We’re still putting away decorations and picking hair out of our teeth from Groundhog Day. How do these things sneak up on us?
Thankfully, technology is here to make us look like Valentine’s Day heroes (Arnold Schwarzenegger-as-Cupid is how we like to picture ourselves). The iTunes App Store is where we’re turning for everything we need to turn our iPhones and iPod Touches into tiny electronic Cyrano de Bergeracs. It’ll make this VD extra memorable and nobody will know that we’re the world’s worst procrastinator.
The apps we’ve chosen are all free, leaving us with plenty of cash for a few extra Love Is… figurines for our extensive collection grandmother’s birthday.
Cliché as flowers may be for Valentine’s Day, there’s something about the pollinated little buggers that still says, “I love you. Hope the roses don’t send you into allergic shock.”
Love Poem Generator
To those for whom dirty limericks count as poetry, this helpful app will help turn your sweet nothings into sweet somethings. Create the perfect poem line by line. Make it rhyme or go crazy with the whole free-verse thing. Just be cool and deliver it in person, not via text.
If you’re planning to take your honeypie to a BYOB restaurant for Valentine’s Day, at least show up with a good bottle of wine. This app is perfect for narrowing down choices by type of meal, occasion, or flavor profile. Make sure to grab an extra bottle for after-dinner snuggling by the fire. Or drinking yourself into a coma if your boyfriend decides this is the perfect night to “end the narcissistic, self-destructive, psychotic madness once and for all.” (Of course, that’s never happened to us, just a few adjectives we randomly strung together).
You know those cute little candy hearts with all the lovey-dovey sayings? Now there’s a virtual version where you can create your own phrases of lurve and e-mail the candies to your lover from another mother. Our favorite part? You can write anything. Like “@#$ my @#%$,”, “Put your !@$# in my %$#^,” or “!!@$ rooster @$#% the cucumber.”
While we honestly can’t recommend eating out on Valentine’s Day (a.k.a. Amateur Night), if you must, this is the best way to quickly make reservations at over 10,000 participating restaurants. You can see available seating times and even earn points redeemable for gift certificates for future dining. We say go out on February 16 when prices aren’t doubled and the restaurants aren’t filled with people peddling roses and Polaroid photos of you two sharing a Baked Alaska.
HRC Buying for Equality Guide
If you’ve managed to find time to still make it to the mall to buy a nice gift, make sure to consult the ultimate app for the gay consumer. The Human Rights Campaign’s annual guide to who loves the gays and supports our rights. Those who score 100 (like Apple and AT&T!) deserve your devotion, and dollars.
Leave it to the French to spice up something as dull as dice. Select whether you are gay or lesbian, shake your iPhone and let fate decide the next step in your romantic evening. It’s not perfect (we’re not sure how to “Kiss Sex” or “Massage Mouth”), but if the dice land correctly you could be in for some great fun. And maybe even a few commands that could get you arrested.
Yeah, like none of the guys reading this have NEVER heard of Grindr. Well, if you find yourself alone on Valentine’s Day (or think two is the loneliest number), find Mr. Right Now. It even tells you how close he is. (PS, if he’s zero feet away, he might already be in your pants).
Happy Lovin’ from all of us at Gay List Daily!