Martha Stewart and Bitch. Those are two things that have often been used in the same sentence together, but we’re happy to announce that this time it’s strictly in the context of the Merriam-Webster first definition entry.
That’s right, if you haven’t already heard, Martha has taken over PetSmart and is helping to help us better pamper our dogs. (Because gays are notorious for keeping them chained outside with dry, generic food, tap water and not a single Halloween costume in their hand-painted hope chests.)
But it’s true. The Queen of All Things Domestic (and now all things domesticated) has a line of wonderful products for dogs (apparently she hates cats, which is fine by us). We first learned of her latest venture after a friend gave us the Bone-Shaped Biscuit Cutters, complete with a healthy recipe for creating homemade dog biscuits, and we knew it wouldn’t be long before we were at PetSmart perusing the aisles for more grrrrrrd things.
The dog beds are in the perfect color palette to match any other Martha Stewart products you have lying around (and don’t even try to deny that you do), there are dog toys specific to Martha’s favorite holidays, and color-coordinated feeding dishes that are just brilliant for serving your dog’s homemade treats while you dine on the latest meal from the Martha show. (Yes, there are doggie recipes online, too.)
And if that’s not enough, there’s even a link to her dogs’ daily blog, helpful training tips, which each relate to a product you can purchase on the site (this woman’s a genius), and craft projects, too, just in case the hours in your day aren’t already filled baking for your dog.
With Martha now in every aspect of our lives, we can finally be the perfect gays God meant us to be. Unfortunately, we need to sign off now because we’ve still got a few hours left to finish our hand-sewn, decorative dog pillow project. Wish us luck.