Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Granny’s Got A Gun

There is one reason, and one reason only, why we chose to see RED. That’s because of Helen Mirren and the fact that she’s playing Victoria, a ruthless (retired) assassin. And let’s just say, she doesn’t disappoint. We would go so far to say that she deserves her own spin-off. We’d call it Victoria: Secret Agent, because we all know she’d be just fine parading around in her panties while knocking off her enemies one by one.

The story of RED, which stands for “Retired and Extremely Dangerous,” involves an elite group of aging ex-agents who jump back into their old roles after the CIA, the very agency they used to work for, targets them for assassination because of secrets they know from a previous mission. Bruce Willis, John Malkovich and Morgan Freeman play the other three agents, with Mary-Louise Parker rounding out the ensemble action-comedy, which is based on a series of popular D.C. Comics graphic novels.

The result is a thoroughly enjoyable film that plays perfectly to the strengths of every actor and even though there are plenty of elaborate action sequences, most involving explosions and gun battle, it’s not difficult to suspend disbelief because the whole thing is just so damned entertaining. The actors appear to be having a blast and as a result, we’re along for the ride wholeheartedly.

Which brings us back to Mirren. There’s an unmistakable twinkle in her eye as she appears in a stunning white evening gown with one fabulous accessory you’re not likely to see on a Paris fashion runway any time soon: an automatic weapon. (Or maybe semi-automatic, we really don’t know our guns.) She’s sexy, smart and rocks a pair of sensible shoes.

But most of all, we love Mirren because we think she’d be a great addition to our little gay entourage. Mostly because we would finally be able to stop relying on our lesbian friends to protect us from our enemies. And change our tires.

Opens today in theaters everywhere