Last night, we had a dream.
We were lying on a beach in Mexico, wearing the bottom half of a mermaid costume, listening to the Avenue Q soundtrack playing on an old-fashioned record player. Off in the distance, we caught the vision of something coming toward us. Quickly. As the object came into focus, we realized it was Liza Minnelli riding bareback on an Orca whale. In her hand was a tray filled with Jack in the Box tacos, a six-pack of Dublin Dr Pepper and the severed head of Dr. Laura.
It was a gay dream come true.
But rewind three months. Things were not so pleasant at night because there was a monster in our house. It growled. It wailed. It screamed and gasped and spewed and sputtered. (And occasionally, it had sex with us.)
Yes, that monster was our boyfriend. And he snored like something the Devil himself exiled from Hell in order to get back to the relative peace and quiet of damned souls writhing in pain while they burned eternally and screamed for mercy.
We tried snoring strips for him, triple doses of sleeping pills and vodka for us. Nothing seemed to work. Then, we went to The Snoring Center this past August with the promise of a solution to our sleepless nights. Pacing back and forth, we found the inner strength to remain calm and stalwart while we waited for him to complete the initial consultation. In the Lifetime Movie, which is in early negotiations, we’ll be played by Meredith Baxter. That’s just how brave we were.
The doctor at The Snoring Center, Craig Schwimmer, MD, MPH, is a Board-Certified Otolaryngologist – Head and Neck Surgeon. With credentials like that, we immediately felt at ease. Surely this would go better than the cut-rate procedure we tried in the alley behind Big Lots two years ago.
In fact, Dr. Schwimmer is considered one of the top snoring doctors in the nation, if not the world. There are several options to reduce snoring, from that ugly breathing apparatus that makes you sound like Darth Vader and Harvey Fierstein’s love child to actual laser surgery. But it’s Medtronic’s Pillar Procedure that’s getting all the buzz these days, so that’s what we opted for. It’s minimally invasive and only takes 20 minutes for the entire procedure.
After numbing our boyfriend’s mouth with some super-potent mouthwash, they then injected a series of pillars (typically five) into the soft palate, which causes it to stiffen and reduce the vibration that causes snoring. Each pillar comes in its own cute gun-like device (which they wouldn’t let us keep for our Halloween costumes) and faster than we could complete the Highlights crossword puzzle, the procedure was complete.
They told us it could take up to three months to realize the full effect, so in the name of science, we’ve waited the allotted time (even though we noticed results the very first night) and we’re thrilled to report that the snoring is almost completely gone, reduced by at least 90%. It does rear its not-as-ugly head every once in a while, especially after a night of drinking, but we can tell that our boyfriend sleeps better, awakens more rested, and doesn’t stop breathing in the middle of the night like he used to. (We just won’t tell him that we self-diagnosed as “sleep apnea” was really us with a pillow over his face.)
The procedure itself isn’t cheap (it averages about $3,000), but to avoid surgery and have a lifetime of better sleep ahead of us, it’s totally worth it. And now that we’re able to sleep soundly again, we’re free to dream as vividly as when we were children. Tonight, we’re expecting a nocturnal visit from Ricky Martin on a Pegasus with a suitcase full of Hot Pockets and a big bottle of The Macallan Single Malt. And if we’re lucky, he’ll bring Blair from The Facts of Life with him again.
Because thanks to The Snoring Center, sleeping is believing.
Park Cities Medical Plaza
6901 Snider Plaza, Suite 225, University Park
6115 Camp Bowie Blvd., Suite 190