Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Driving Miss Crazy

It’s happened to all of us. We’re running late for a public execution movie and the parking lot is packed. After circling up to the top level of the eighteen-story parking garage, in the distance you see the void that can only mean one miraculous thing – an empty parking space! A smile slowly forms on your face, you accelerate from 4 to 5 miles per hour, anxious to get your car to its loving home for the next few hours.

Then, within seconds, that toothy smile turns to a frown. And your demeanor switches from whistling Justin Bieber tunes to full-on, homicidal rage (which not coincidentally is what happens to us when we listen to the Biebs). There’s a giant SUV parked in a compact space, which means the entire left side of the behemoth is hanging over the space that should rightfully be yours. What ever shall you do?

Last time we keyed a car we were caught on tape and what should’ve been a very bad day for the bad parker turned into a nightmare for us. There was another time we put our chewed gum under the door handle as a surprise for the awful driver when he or she returned. But then we had garlic breath for the entire Christmas Eve mass.

Well now, we’ve found a solution. There’s a great online company called Flytrap that makes hilarious greeting cards and other products, like our new favorite thing, Obnoxious Little Parking Notes. These tiny bon mots are wickedly passive aggressive and we couldn’t be happier.

The collection provides us a dozen opportunities to tell off jerks without the fear of confrontation. Or pepper spray in the face (again). Send forth sentiments like “If you park sideways next time, you'll be able to take up four or five spaces instead of just two” or “Newsflash! It is not you, terrible driver, around which the sun revolves. Try parking like a normal person next time.” If the person parks better in the future, it’s a small victory for everyone.

Flytrap also has great little multiple-choice cards for telling waiters and waitresses why they don’t deserve a tip. But those scare us a little. Nothing worse than an Olive Garden waitress in possession of your credit card number and a thirst for revenge.