Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

It’s All Come Down To This

As all our good Mayan friends know, this could be the last year on earth. Nobody’s sure if the 2012 prophesies will come to pass at the stroke of midnight on January 1, or if it’ll be later in the year a la Roland Emmerich’s view of Earth’s destruction. All we know is that there are certain things that are true signs of the destruction of civilization. And we have one in our hands right this very minute.

Behold, The Penis Name Book: A Guide To Naming Man’s Best Friend. Believe it or not, the authors have come up with 350 names for a man’s most treasured organ, some of which will scar us for life (The Pillsbury Doughboy?).

Modeled after a naming book for babies, this irreverent work of literature has broken down the naming of thine (or thine bedmate’s) penis into categories, like Cinematic Names (Willy Wonka), Television Names (Beaver Cleaver), Monster Names (Chupacabra), and Toy-Inspired Names (Shinky Dink). You get the idea.

Each name has an origin story and a reason for choosing the name. Plus, there’s a handy little rating system that clearly indicates the strength of the name with corresponding penis alertness.

As a man who’s never named any body part (well, except Uvula Thurman), we’re not sure how relevant a tool this is to the rest of mankind’s, er, tools, but clearly it was clever enough to get a publishing deal. So if you know somebody with a schlong longing for a moniker of its own, The Penis Name Book is the end-all, be-all to be sure.

Regardless of whether you think it’s tacky or tired, it’s definitely one of the best coffee table books ever. It’s hard to put this out on top of Architecture Digest and not get a reaction.

$6.73 on amazon.com