Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Bone! Butt! Ball!

Our guilty pleasures are abundant. Jack in the Box tacos. Hoarders marathons. Activia wrestling.

But nothing can compare to our latest obsession: daily broadcasts of Animal Intuition, the Sirius Satellite Radio show featuring world-renowned pet psychic, Sonya Fitzpatrick. You know, the official pet psychic of Tori Spelling and Ellen DeGeneres.

For two hours every night, we’re riveted to our radio listening to people call in to find out exactly what their parakeet is thinking and why he spins in circles every time Steven Tyler hits on a 15-year-old girl during American Idol.

Which of their past dead dogs is currently inhabiting their newly adopted pooch.

Or really mind-blowing revelations like whether or not their rescued cat is happier in his new home than crammed in a cage in that animal shelter where he was abused.

Yes, in Sonya’s world, every pet is happy.

But it’s the humans who fascinate us. They call in and become so elated and relieved to get the good news that they’re decent pet parents. It truly is some of the best satellite radio this side of Howard Stern, Whatever with Alexis and Jennifer and Derek and Romaine. It’s wildly entertaining in the most schadenfreudenistic way.

Because like so many other psychics, Sonya offers such vague revelations.

Sonya: “I see the letter M. What does that mean to you?”

Dog Owner: “Milk Bone! Oh. My. God. Frisky loves Milk Bones. That is so amazing. Ever since I rescued Frisky from that puppy mill Frisky just can’t get enough Milk Bones!”

Sonya: “Well, Frisky is telling me that he’s very happy now. And he loves that you keep your house neat.”

Dog Owner: “Actually, Frisky’s a girl and my house is kinda messy.”

Sonya: “But to Frisky, it’s neat and tidy. And Frisky is telling me she’s gay because she is attracted to other girl dogs and I’m getting this totally male vibe from her.”

Dog Owner: “Holy crap, Sonya. You’re incredible! I always had low self-esteem for my lack of personal hygiene and dirty house. And Frisky is always glued to the TV any time a women’s golf tournament is on. But now I know I’m normal and I’m ready to love my lesbian dog.”

Truly, the callers are at least 78% delusional, but who cares? She’s making them happy and we love listening to them call in one after one, while Sonya dances around her miscalculations and off-the-mark assessments of animals’ intentions.

Of course, we have no proof that she’s not totally legit because why else would people pay $300 for a 30-minute private reading off the air? Personally, we’re not going to shell out that kind of cash because we’re saving our money for more important things.

Like a gorilla made out of coat hangers.

Animal Intuition
SIRIUS Satellite Radio channel 102
LIVE Tuesdays 6:00 – 8:00 p.m. ET (with rebroadcasts throughout the week)