Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

All Clubs Are Not Created Equinox

We have a bone to pick with Equinox, the chic health club chain from New York that’s been gradually expanding to the nation’s trendiest cities. Be prepared, our list of grievances is lengthy.

Upon entering, the music pumps like a dance club. Original works of art adorn the walls. A friendly staff member greets you when you check in. The equipment is state-of-the-art and impeccably clean. Judge Judy (our preferred workout partner) is almost always on a flat-screen TV. And the expansive locker rooms are like something out of a big-budget Hollywood movie about luxury spas. You know, like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Fresh Towels and Kiehl’s Products.

So why are we mad at Equinox? Because it’s forever ruined us from joining any other gym or health club the rest of our life.

In a fit of bravado we canceled our membership last fall, thinking we could find happiness elsewhere, perhaps saving a few bucks along the way. Well, after trying every 1-day, 3-day and 7-day free pass we could get our hands on from every other gym in the city, nothing came even close.

Kinda like getting Champagne from our mother’s breast as babies and then being forced to drink Natty Light the rest of our lives. Unfair.

Because Equinox has raised the bar, we can’t raise a barbell anywhere else. So, like any sane person would do under the same circumstances, we rejoined the club and will never stray again.

Sure, Equinox costs a bit more, but the experience is worth every penny. It truly is. And working out in such a beautiful place actually motivates us to work out more often.

So today, we pledge our undying devotion right here for all the world to see and hold us accountable because our heart, mind and soul (as well as our love handles, chicken calves and man boobs) belong to Equinox.

Now and forever.