Every time we sit through a movie with somebody commenting on every joke (“I wonder what brand of ping-pong balls she’s shooting out of her hoo-hah?), posting Facebook status updates for each character (“Jason Vorhees just checked in at Camp Crystal Lake.”) or smacking on a $7 hotdog, it’s abundantly clear that people have completely lost their manners. Or never learned them to begin with.
Things have changed a lot since the days of Emily Post and Miss Manners, when the most complex etiquette dilemma was which fork to use with the fruit cocktail Jell-O mold course.
Today, when there are events that never would have been imagined in the mid-20th century like a big gay wedding ceremony in New York City (way to go, Cuomo!), a little updating had to be done. So much so, that it has become necessary to have a book devoted entirely to our very own niche: Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners: The Definitive Guide to LGBT Life. It’s a fun, fascinating read that covers all the most pressing topics of the gay universe.
Petrow presumes we all already know the etiquette of mainstream social situations, which any good gay should, so he gets right to the good stuff. Like how to nicely ask that guy you invited over for a three-way to leave when the main event is over. What the appropriate attire is for same-sex couples getting married. Or all the ins and outs (and ins and outs) of bathhouse etiquette.
There’s great advice on LGBT parenting, coming out to friends, family and co-workers and what to do when gays are flirting with straights (and vice versa). This guy has left no Stonewall unturned.
We’ll just have to connect the dots between Emily Post and Steven Petrow to figure out which utensil is most appropriate for eating chocolate sauce off a trick’s butt. Our gut says “straw,” but our brain says “dessert spoon.”
Being polite can be so complicated.