Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Wax Off

For our parents’ generation, heating things up in the bedroom with a flame required paying Liberace to bring his signature candelabra to their rotating, round waterbed. We imagine it was memorable, but extremely messy.

Thankfully, we can rejoice in yet another way modern innovation making our lives better. Introducing the Scandle body candle. It’s a fragrant soy candle with a convenient spout for pouring the hot wax directly onto your luhhhhhver. Yet the candle melts to a temperature just two degrees warmer than your body temperature so it’s not unpleasantly hot. (We still have unsightly burns from sex with that guy from Top Chef who insisted on using his crème brûlée blowtorch.)

In fact, Scandle’s special formula turns the soy wax into a soothing massage oil that glides easily over the body, whether your partner’s in need of a little tension release or the neighbors have been invited over for a little butt-crack fondue.

Of course, Scandle candles are perfectly suited for simply lighting and enjoying their fragrant glow without any bodily contact whatsoever. But what fun is that?

We plan to use ours to cover entire bodies, peel back the hardened soy carefully, and open up our own wax museum of one-night stands. (E-mail us if you know any 25,000 square-foot spaces available with really cheap rent.)

Scandle Originals in Refillable Ceramic Canister
$20.99 (refills $10.99)