Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

First-Class B*tch

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Why fly the friendly skies when you can fly Pam Ann?

The unabashedly saucy, foul-mouthed alter ego of Australian comedienne Caroline Reid, Pam Ann is the air hostess from hell. And we just love to be abused by her. So she sorta somewhat graciously agreed to take time out of her hectic schedule to chat about the airline industry and her upcoming Dallas show. For a hilarious sneak peak, catch her appearance yesterday on WFAA’s New 8 Daybreak.

Then check your sensitivity at the gate and put your sense of humor in the full upright position. Make sure to read to the end for your chance to win tickets to Sunday’s show.

Gay List Daily: You are most definitely the air hostess with the moistest. Because, well, so many of the others are ancient. What are your secrets for keeping a positive attitude with so many demanding passengers?
Pam Ann: Me positive? FUCK OFF! I HATE people. They take up the air I breathe. I would prefer to blow up on take off than serve coach sometimes. That’s how fucking positive I am.

GLD: Many of our friends have never experienced Pam Ann. What can they expect on one of your flights?
Pam Ann: If you want to know how it must feel to be a Boston bomber, come fly with me because that’s how you will be treated! You’ll want to hide in a fucking boat by the time I’ve finished with you.

GLD: As you know, Dallas is home to both American Airlines and Southwest. How do you compare yourself to their flight attendants and overall service?
Pam Ann: American Airlines I worship. They have the oldest crew in the world. You need night vision goggles to see them because they are borderline ghosts. AA are still evacuating a plane in Kingston, Jamaica, which ran off the runway 4 years ago, that’s how old they are.  As for Southwest – where’s the Al Qaeda when you need them? Not that the Al Qaeda would ever blow them up, but they should just for the horrendous jokes and allowing bags to fly free.

GLD: We know you occasionally have to fly on other air carriers. Which obnoxious airline policy is the most ridiculous?
Pam Ann: Turning your fucking mobile phones off! I HATE the crew that police this. Turning a fucking phone on does fuck all to bring a plane down. If it did your phones would be taken off you and put into a fucking safe. Turn them ON!

GLD: Air hostesses must be prepared to react on a moment’s notice. Ripped-from-the-headlines scenario: A man stands up on your flight threatening to detonate his explosive underwear. You’ve got a tray full of martinis and warm nuts. What do you do?
Pam Ann: Drink the martini and suck on his salty nuts. Then pull the trigger. The bombs never work. It will just blow his pants off.

GLD: You’re many a gay’s favorite drag queen. How do you keep things so authentic and believable?
Pam Ann: It’s hard being a black man trying to be a white woman but I work hard at it and it pays off. Everyone believes that I am a woman and clearly I’m not.

GLD: You’re like the Charo of gay cruises. You’re on every one! What is your favorite thing about the all-homo voyages?
Pam Ann: Crystal meth and orgies with bears on G.

GLD: Which destination on your U.S. tour are you most looking forward to?
Pam Ann: Miami because of the coke. And I’m not talking COLA.

GLD: Least favorite?
Pam Ann: None. I LOVE the USA. It beats fucking Basingstoke in the UK any day.

GLD: Oh yeah, your show. What is Cockpit all about?
Pam Ann: I can’t be bothered explaining it. Just fucking come. Just think, my show attracts so many gays you can put Grindr down for 5 fucking minutes.

GLD: Thank you so much for your time. Huge fans here.
Pam Ann: FUCK MY CUNT.

Pam Ann Cockpit! USA Tour 2013
Sunday, May 19, 8:00 p.m.
Tickets $37.50 (Economy) – $67.50 (First Class)
The Majestic
1925 Elm Street, Dallas
www.pamann.com