Unconventional marriages have gotten out of control. Just as the wacky ultra-conservatives have predicted, the slippery slope is upon us.
First it was mixed races walking down the aisle.
Then came the gays. Skipping.
But now, we’ve catapulted right past their predictions of man marrying animal and welcomed the ultimate abomination into our great American culture.
Introducing your new Public Enemy Number One: the cookie chip.
This is what happens when one innocent cookie is corrupted by the highly persuasive snack chip community. It all started when one vulnerable sugar cookie made the conscious choice to go against nature and become a chip. Then he converted all his friends, Sea Salted Peanut Butter, Chocolate Chip and Cinnamon Sugar (though we fear she was headed for a life of prostitution or pole dancing with a name like that, so this is probably better).
Of course, there’s an evil corporation behind all this brainwashing. It’s the folks over at HannahMax Baking who’ve taken these poor confectionary souls and lured them to the dark side where seriously addictive, stupendously delicious, frighteningly crunchy snack creations live on the fringes of society.
The only way to rid the planet of these is to buy them all. So paint your big “God Hates Cookie Chips” signs, head to your computer and order away. Then, after the crates of sweet, crisp, buttery morsels of tastiness arrive, pull the shades, lock the doors and devour them until this is no trace whatsoever.
That hint of cocoa on your hushed request for forgiveness? That is all that will remain.
And we can finally get back to a normal world where chips are made of potatoes.
Cookie Chips are also available at Whole Foods, Tom Thumb, Piggly Wiggly, Fairway, Gelson’s, Safeway, Vons, Pavilions, Dominick’s and New York City’s iconic Zabars.