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Best Of 2013: Off The Charts

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If it’s two things we love, it’s mathematics and sex. Combine the two and we’re in pervy nerd heaven.

We’ve always thought we needed something like Microsoft Sexcel to keep track of our bedroom exploits. Input the data and we could quickly produce a PowerbottomPoint presentation to show a boardroom full of tricks our forecast for Q4 via colorful boner graphs. For lesbians it would, of course, generate a detailed pie chart.

But we don’t know how to do computer coding, so our idea never came to fruition.

Thankfully, there’s a new iPhone app that goes a few steps further. It’s called Spreadsheets. After downloading, answer a few quick questions about your sexual style, mattress type and you’re ready to go.

When it’s time to get busy in the boudoir, simply open the app and place your iPhone on the mattress. Hit “Do It” and let nature take control. When you’re done, you’ll get a detailed report of the duration, number of thrusts and the decibel level of your biggest moan.

After several days of input (no pun intended), you’ll have a comprehensive look at your sex life, tracking the longest session, number of consecutive days, and highest number of thrusts per minute (TPM). You’ll also earn points for specific achievements (booty calls between 2:00-5:00 a.m., doing it on Christmas, or getting your “Gym Membership” badge for more than 3 sessions in a week).

And if you’re a bragger, you can post your results to Facebook or Twitter.

Because that’s not creepy or anything.

Spreadsheets App
$1.99 in the Apple App Store

www.spreadsheetsapp.com