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The 701 Club: Election Day, Gas Prices & Tim Cook

Helen Holy-11.4.14

Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news.

Election Day: Brothers and Sisters, by the time this written ministry reaches your weary eyes, Election Day will be over. While I am certainly given many divine gifts, prophecy is not one of them. Therefore, as of this writing, only the Lord knows the outcome. Whether you ascribe to Repugnantcan or Demoncrat beliefs, let us rejoice as one in the fact that we can now answer our phones without trepidation and watch television without filthy campaign commercials. For THAT, let all the people say AMEN.

Gas Prices: I have been giving thanks for the recent drop in prices at the gas station. My ministry often requires me to drive great distances to touch as many people as possible and to receive oral testimony in numerous locales. Being able to gas up my Rambler for the equivalent of a widow’s mite has been a blessing indeed. I pray that my readers will use this new found extra cash to give to some worthy ministry or to the education and welfare of some fine young men practicing Christian choreography atop a box in a darkened corner.

Tim Cook: Brother Tim Cook, CEO of Apple, has admitted publicly to being a sodomite. This explains the festive colors of the various Apple computers, the frenzy of “touch” screens and the naming of the latest iPhone as a “6+.” Based on that number, we can all agree that this iPhone is merely average and will most likely be a disappointment unless one is well versed in how to use it.  I need to get on my knees…and pray about this.

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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