Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news.
Charles Manson: Last week, I shared with you my feelings about the nuptials of Sister Solange Knowles. This week, we must turn our attention to matters of much more grave concern in the area of matrimony. True, the State of South Carolina, that bastion of Southern Gentility, is now allowing sodomites to marry. Also true is the fact that the homoseculars and lesbyterians in the Great Sky State of Montana are leaving their sheep and wedding one another. These alone could be clear signs of the apocalypse. But Brothers and Sisters, verily I say unto you, I have seen the horsemen on the horizon, I can sense the beginning of Armageddon, and the pages of Revelation are truly leaping into the air…Charles Manson is getting married. I pray that the Spirit of Sharon Tate will rise up and rebuke this filth. Let us pray.
Bill Cosby: Bill Cosby. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Always portraying himself as the bastion of morality, matrimony and family values. Turns out, Brother Huxtable might have paid for that expensive brownstone with money earned behind the wheel of a tricked out ’72 Lincoln with fuzzy dice on the mirror. I claim salvation for this man in spite of the accusations being thrown his way, but I can tell you this. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I take Jell-O or pudding to another church covered dish supper!
Ty Herndon: What has happened to country music? We fine Christians are used to the uplifting messages of songs like D-I-V-O-R-C-E, Sleeping Single in a Double Bed and You Ain’t Woman Enough To Take My Man. But NOW our minds are being filled with the filthy knowledge that there are sodomites in the Grand Ole Opry. I merely clucked at the news about Ty Herndon, as I remember his much ballyhooed “ministry of touch” in a Ft. Worth park back in 1995 with a brother in Christ. However, the innocence and purity of that blessed child, Billy Gilman, has been tarnished by his recent admission of sodomy. Let me tell you this, brothers and sisters. I intend to seek both these sinners out, fall on my knees before both of them, and offer to give oral testimony to the power of tongues. Can I get an amen?
Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.