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The 701 Club: Cyber Monday, Sasha and Malia Obama & Prince Harry

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Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news.

Cyber Monday: Let us give thanks that Thanksgiving is over and we can all go back to being ungrateful for our day-to-day existence. Black Friday was witness to all manner of Unchristian behavior across this land as trash filled Wal-Mart like animals entering the ark. Non-Baptists have lit their Advent candles (that’s such an EPISCOPALIAN thing). Cyber Monday was busier than a sodomite hook-up site at 2 a.m. on a Saturday. And with Satan’s dyslexic spawn, SANTA, leering at children to sit on his lap, the commercialism of Christmas is now in full swing. Yet I remain steadfast in my faith. If you need me during the next few weeks, I’ll be on my knees seeking a fulfilling embodiment of Christmas tidings and anointing many with the oils of the season. Rejoice!

Sasha and Malia Obama: We need to pause in prayer for Sisters Sasha and Malia Obama. The tendrils of political discourse have clawed their way into the inner sanctum of Presidential Offspring once again. While true that all members of that sanctum have felt their share of suffering, I just feel that the days of Amy Carter and Chelsea Clinton jokes gave way to really important matters like the rescue of the Bush Twins from bars, pubs and saloons. To return to petty critique of the manners of the average American teenagers seems misguided. I’m praying that we all will turn our attention back to Bristol Palin, where the Lord has an opportunity to REALLY move in a mighty way. Praise!

Prince Harry: Is it just me, or are some headlines cruelly deceiving? I was recently moved by the Spirit at a headline reading that “Prince Harry Reveals Surprising Secret.” The sub-heading noted that this revelation was at a World AIDS Day commemoration. I was ready to fall prostrate on the floor at the possibility of there being a Royal Ginger in the Gay Army. Alas, my expectations were deflated upon further investigation. Turns out, the Royal Ginger “gets nervous before public speaking.” If that’s news worth misleading the public, I’m ready to call CNN to reveal my predilection for glossolalia under the headline “Christian Woman Enjoys Tongues.” Preach!

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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