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The 701 Club: Barbara Walters, War Criminals & Time Capsule

Helen Holy 12-17_14

Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news.

Barbara Walters: Barbara Walters, the Cher of television media (retired, already) has come out with her list of the most fascinating people of 2014. It mystifies me how I’m left off of this list each year, but I digress. In addition to honoring the sodomite, Neil Patrick Harris, the teen slut, Taylor Swift and the tramp, Chelsea Handler, Sister Walters has deemed the most fascinating person of 2014 to be the new Mrs. George Clooney. While you may wonder about the wisdom of this choice, we all must pray in agreement that when it was announced that she was marrying Brother George, the majority of us did exclaim, under our breath…fascinating!  Now, razor or no razor, George will always have a beard. Rejoice!

War Criminals: I have been bereaved by recent reports that our beloved government was savagely torturing war criminals. The list of heinous acts committed against these infidels was troubling, at best. However, it seems that our government stopped short of the ultimate torture. Let us be grateful then, in the spirit of human rights, that no criminal was subject to a viewing of nude photos of Dick Cheney. Let us turn in our scriptures to John 11:35.

Time Capsule: A time capsule dating back to 1795 was recently unearthed in Massachusetts. Believed to be buried by Christian patriots, Paul Revere and Samuel Adams (pre-brewery ministry), the contents, as of this writing, have not been revealed. I am praying that we will find such historical artifacts as Ben Franklin’s kite, John Hancock’s feather pen, and a prophetic note from Thomas Jefferson addressed to the Tea Party of the future, simply saying, “No.” Praise!

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.