Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news.
As I prepare to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus, I want to remind you heathens of the Christmas Story as found in Luke Chapter Two. There are subtle nuances in the narrative which are often lost on the unsaved. For instance, Luke informs us that, not only was Mary great with child, but she was verily suffering from PMS. For the scriptures tell us that “Mary rode Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem.” Praise!
While on the topic of Christmas, I wish to respond to a homosecular’s recent interpretation of this holy story. Contrary to this sodomite’s claim, there were Three Kings bearing gifts, not a gaggle of Queens sprucing the stable. Mary was indeed the mother’s name, and not a name Joseph’s friends called him behind his back. And Jesus was indeed of the House of David, and NOT the House of Xtravaganza. Otherwise, the star would have been blocked by all that shade. Word!
Finally, I pray that each of you receives a blessing this holiday season. To you Christians, Merry Christmas. To the Jews, Happy Hanukkah. To the Unitarians, Happy Winter Solstice. To the Africans, Blessed Kwanzaa. And to you Atheists…I got nothin’.
Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.