Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club: Blizzard of 2015, Lance Armstrong & My Husband’s Not Gay

Helen 01_29_15

Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news.

Blizzard of 2015: The American incarnation of Sodom, New York City, was faced with sure impending doom as the threat of a massive blizzard was foretold this week. Streets were shut down, traffic halted, sinners locked in their homes. Clearly, the Lord wanted to see if these ungodly denizens would respond to such threats. Upon seeing the frenzied reaction, the Almighty knocked the storm down to an annoying snowfall and gave the city a collective, “Just Kidding!” Oh, that God…such a tease.

Lance Armstrong: World famous bicyclist and drug user, Lance Armstrong, recently admitted in a British interview that if he had it to do all over again, he probably would “dope up” again. While I admire the forthrightness of such an admission, Brother Lance also believes that, in time, the public will forgive him. Forgiven, perhaps, but never forgotten. I’d like to remind him that, until the day he died, Ted Kennedy couldn’t drive an Oldsmobile near a bridge without worldwide attention. So no, Brother Lance, you stuck yourself with a needle, and you’re stuck with this legacy. Bear it!

My Husband’s Not Gay: TLC is airing a show about Mormon couples in Salt Lake City. Not a stretch. However, the crux of this filth is that the husband admits to being a sodomite but remains in the marriage for faith reasons. Entitled “My Husband’s Not Gay,” the show follows the zombie wives who lovingly support these doe-eyed, attractive lust monsters as they swoon over each other at church functions. I have so many questions. First of all, WHY? Second, isn’t the real reason that these sodomites don’t actually act on their urges because they can’t fornicate through Mormon underwear? And most importantly, were none of the Osmonds available for this?

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.