Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club: Mike Huckabee, Super Bowl & Mitt Romney

helenholy 02_04_15

Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news.

Mike Huckabee: Former Arkansas Governor and Presidential candidate, Mike Huckabee, has boldly announced that he believes homosexuality to be akin to drinking and swearing. It’s something people do, which he doesn’t participate in or necessarily agrees with. This hearkens back to Trent Lott comparing homosexuality to kleptomania. I’m not here to defend homosexuality in general, but these poor Southern white men need prayer. But if they’re right, be on the lookout for sodomites stealing liquor from a #$&@ store. Hallelujah!

Super Bowl: Praise the Lord that the Super Bowl is over. I, personally, couldn’t have cared less about the entire debacle. One team had to deal with deflated balls, the entire contest came down to a questionable decision at the very end, and lapsed Christian sweetheart, Katy Perry, paraded her filth on the 50 yard line and danced with sharks. However, as a Christian woman with a duty to serve mankind, I will be laying hands personally on Brother Tom Brady by anointing his dimpled chin with oils, and sharing the touch of healing on his battered body. It’s a ministry.

Mitt Romney: If you will recall from my column two weeks ago, I shared that I had a plan to convince Mitt Romney to not run for President again in 2016. To refresh your memory, my specific statement was “I’m going to have to get my Moroni costume out and make an appearance at his next barbecue. Mormons tend to obey such visions. My message will be simple. Brother Mitt…stop it.”  Now, two weeks later, let me simply say…you’re welcome. Praise!

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

 

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