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The 701 Club: Ted Cruz, College Frats & A Penis Transplant

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Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news.

Ted Cruz: Brother Ted Cruz has made headlines this week for scaring a 3-year old girl. Dear Lord, I KNOW how she feels! In an impassioned speech in New Hampshire, the Texas Senator was using his usual blabbering metaphors about the impending doom of America and quoted that “this country is on FIRE!” A wide-eyed, 3-year old girl yelled back in fearful disbelief, “The world is on fire?” Bless her heart. Such a blatant lie. Brother Cruz did not try to soothe the child by back pedaling on his rhetoric, but insisted that her mommy and all the other people present were going to make the world a better place. That was the second lie. We need to pray.

College Frats: Let us turn our eyes to the young men in our college fraternities. What a visual blessing. Young, nubile, fresh, taut and muscled. But I digress. Apparently, they are not all the bastions of tolerance and understanding. Some even seem hell-bent on keeping their clubs monochromatic in color. Some young, attractive, nubile, wealthy young men from a University of Oklahoma fraternity were recently caught on video merrily singing their desires for, among other things, a “white” Christmas year round. My Greek knowledge is a little fuzzy, but I believe that Sigma Alpha Epsilon stands for Stupid Anglo Extremists. Praise!

Penis Transplant: Doctors in South Africa have recently completed the world’s first successful penis transplant. I just don’t know what to say about this, except that this truly opens the door for making the terms “dick face” and “dick head” more than mere insults. Lord, forgive me for uttering this filth, but I’m trying to make a point. Glory!

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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