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The 701 Club: Ted Cruz, Aaron Schock & Fifty Shades of Grey

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Our spiritual leader Sister Helen Holy is back again this week to share her good Christian perspective on the news.

Ted Cruz: Calling all prayer warriors! We need to circle the prayer wagons in regard to the latest political news. Ted Cruz is running for President. Lord help us. I mean, he’s a Canadian Mexican! If he was running for President of North America, I might accept this. Now let me say, as a Christian woman, I admire his choice of announcing his campaign at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University, but this just brings new meaning to “preaching to the choir.” And let me point out, when one is preaching to the choir, one’s back is to everyone else in the congregation. Ergo, Brother Cruz has just showed his ass to America once again. Bow your heads.

Aaron Schock: In other political news, I am “Schocked” at the resignation of that Illinois Congressman. Such blatant misuse of funds, such blatant extravagant spending, and lets’ face it, such BLATANT homosexuality. I do try to be tolerant of the sodomites, but only when they seem to be unapologetic about it. “Sister” Schock can prance around in his pastel shirts and web belts, fly a personal “photographer” from the Grindr Employment Agency with him around the world, and flex his circuit party body all he wants. But his continued support for an anti-gay agenda in Washington leads me to this observation.  It doesn’t matter if people are angry at him or dislike him. Little Aaron hates himself enough for all of us. Glory!

Fifty Shades of Grey: I made the mistake of attending a local cinema to view the celluloid trash, FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. I truly believe that I would be viewing a film about the subtle color nuances between gun metal, ash, silver and dove. Instead I was subjected to a visual violation of epic proportions. Such trash on the screen. Such vile disregard for the intimacy of Christian carnal relations. Most importantly, I will NEVER wear anything of a leather persuasion, as it will surely only make me look like a recliner. Lord help!

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.

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