Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club: Mountains, Music & Massage

Helen Holy - 9_02_15Current events are troubling the masses. Let me bring you up to speed with my take on the following news items.

Mountains: Alaska. The biggest state in the US, and yet the least populous. Certainly the state got its fair share of press when it unleashed Sister Sarah Palin upon the world. Now, all eyes are on Alaska again as home of the tallest mountain in North America, Mt. McKinley. Out of respect for the Native Americans and Eskimos of Alaska, and under executive order, Mt. McKinley is being changed back to its original name, Denali, the name it had until 1916, when it was re-named after the assassinated 25th President and native son of the great State of Alas…I mean, Ohio. Ohio? Turns out this renaming has highly irritated the denizens of Ohio. Such disrespect! Such political overreaching! Lord help us. President McKinley never even set foot in Alaska, much less on this mountain, so what’s the big deal? If Ohio is so upset about losing a piece of Alaska, why not have President Obama issue an executive order to rename Cleveland, Ohio to Palin, Ohio? Praise!

Music: There are just some things one can never “un-see.” I was forced to view all the filth on display in this past weekend’s Video Music Awards. First of all, Brother Kanye West, shut up. Just shut up. Nobody cares. You’re an idiot. And secondly, to Sister Niki Manaj, your hind end is inhuman. I’m praying that you have an unfortunate run-in with a real anaconda. Perhaps a mission trip to the Amazon jungle? And finally, dear Sister Miley Cyrus, I have one powerful word for you. No. Just, no. Don’t open your mouth, and don’t scotch tape anything else to your body. I’d rather have to listen to your father sing about his achy breaky heart on a continuous loop in hell, than to endure anything out of your mouth ever again. Dear Lord in Heaven, make it stop! Let us pray.

Massage: The sodomites are wreaking havoc on the world once again. I don’t have a problem with being able to go onto the interweb and order a pizza from Domino’s. But that there is actually a website where one can order filth and degradation delivered to one’s home in the form of sodomite hookers…I can’t even. The Feds have arrested those involved with www.rentboy.com. It does strike me odd, however, that this online den of iniquity has been operating trouble-free for about 20 years. Why now? Did some unhappy hetero Ashley Madison customers need to feel some justification for their sins? Whatever. My prayers go out to the fornicating sodomites who are now without their online “to go” menu. I offer hope. Come unto me, all ye who are heavy laden and lonely…I’ve laid hands on most every slut in this country and will even let you know which ones offer a Groupon. Glory!