Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club: Meetings, Massacres & Mammaries

Helen Holy - 10_07_15Hear ye, Hear ye, all ye who are heavy laden with the weight of the world. Let me lift your burden with these opines on all things current.

Meetings: I have HAD IT with all this news about the Catholics! I couldn’t care less with whom the Pope did or did not have a meeting. Poor pitiful Sister Kim Davis is milking every drop of publicity she can including the fact that she had a brief brush with the Catholic Big Kahuna. She is an Apostolic Christian and knows that Catholics aren’t going to heaven, so why is she bragging about this? Good Lord! I’m more concerned with the fact that Pope Francine met with a sodomite and his fornication partner while in America. Oh sure, news reports say that the sodomite was a former student of King Vatican, but what EXACTLY did he teach this homosecular? It’s all just too much for me. Frankly, I’m glad that the Hail Mary Honcho has gone back to Rome. Or as they say over there, “Arrivederci!”

Massacres: On a much more somber note, I am in prayer about this country’s love affair with all things gun. For God’s sake, Charlton Heston has died…didn’t somebody peel his cold dead fingers from his gun? I firmly believe that we must “render unto Caesar” and follow the laws of the land, but Brothers and Sisters, the Second Amendment was written long before present day law enforcement existed. I just don’t see how it is the necessity of every human to personally keep firearms. Maybe a pistol, but an assault rifle? Those are for the military, not the moron in the double-wide across town. Let’s take it down a notch, before the idiots with the AK-47s put another notch in their guns. Let us pray.

Mammaries: That British floozy, Helen Mirren, has just gone too far. In a recent interview, the 70 year old actress announced that she will no longer do any nude or topless scenes on film. Now on the one hand, we can all breathe a sigh of relief for such favors, but on the other hand, just THINKING about this caused bile to rise in my esophagus. To make matters worse, she said, AND I QUOTE, “My pleasure pillows are purely for my husband now.”…If you’ll excuse me, I need to clean the vomit off my keyboard.

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.