Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club: Columbus, Cancer & Coke

Sister Helen Holy - 10_14_15It’s been a slow news week, Brothers and Sisters. But, I’m never at a loss for words of comfort and wisdom. May these thoughts be a blessing to you.

Columbus: Americans across this great country celebrated Columbus Day this week. Banks were closed. Mail service suspended. Government workers were idle…legally. All this to recognize an Italian who convinced some Queen in Spain to give him funds to sail uncharted waters in search of a new world. Praise the Lord that there isn’t a national holiday for every person who has ever borrowed money from a Queen in order to take a cruise. Ahoy!

Cancer: October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Corporations all over this land are going pink in support. I just don’t know what to say. On the one hand, I wear pink all of the time. But all this talk about boobies! Tsk Tsk Tsk. However, my beloved friend, Nancy Brinker, started the Komen Foundation many years ago to raise money in the fight against breast cancer in memory of her sister who succumbed to the disease. Now, while I have chastised Sister Brinker for many years that she is ENCOURAGING women to touch themselves in the shower, I have come to realize that early detection saves lives. So to all my Bosom Sisters out there, touch yourself. Be aware. Be healthy. And to all you lazy men out there, get off your prostates and do something for the cause. Hallelujah!

Coke: Take heart, sports fans. There is much tension and excitement with baseball playoffs and football injuries. Alas, some teams’ fans are just bored with it all. A female Houston Astros fan was videoed this week intently sniffing her car keys. Perhaps she’s fond of the smell of ignition residue, I don’t know. Yet some have asserted that this young woman was doing cocaine in the stands. COCAINE! Lord, I don’t know who to believe. But if the fans are resorting to drugs to get through a game, the teams won’t be the only losers in the stadium. Let us pray.

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.