Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club: Hello, Handsome & Holiday

Helen Holy - 11-25-15My ministry never sleeps. Awaken, ye Sinners, to this week’s blessings and offerings of praise.

Hello: I keep hearing about this young woman singer who goes by the name of Adele. Poor thing must have come from a poor family to not even have a last name, but I digress. I have heard her voice and will admit it is lovely, although she doesn’t sing gospel. But what really concerns me are headlines saying that Adele is such a BIG star. I’ll admit the Sister is a little big-boned, but making an entire headline about her size is just rude. Hello??

Handsome: The things editors will do to sell a magazine! People Magazine has just announced its “Sexiest Man Alive” for this year. According to this paragon of editorial prudence, British soccer player David Beckham is this year’s winner. Disgusting. All those tattoos! I believe the body is the temple of the Lord and therefore, tattoos are nothing more than graffiti on the side of the building. However, just to show my Christian benevolence, I have been studying numerous photos of Brother Beckham. As a result, I have felt a stirring of the Holy Spirit in my inner most being. I still loathe “graffiti,” but I have truly reveled in the architectural splendor of Brother Beckham’s flying buttresses. Glory!

Holiday: As we celebrate Thanksgiving here in America this week, let us pause to count our blessings. I am thankful for idiot politicians, trashy celebrities and general stupidity in our land. For it is these things which keep me in business as a Christian Observer. As we reflect on the history of this long standing holiday, let us give thanks for the Native Americans centuries ago who, although not Christians, were willing to sit down and share a meal with Pilgrim refugees. Finally, as we observe our government slamming the figurative door of hospitality in need and a time of struggle, let us give thanks for the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Verily, it was a lack of hospitality which caused the Lord to destroy these cities. Therefore, behold, my brothers and sisters, the numerous governors in our country who are truly bona fide Sodomites. Praise!