Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club: Tiny, Tennis & Trade

helenholy-032316I’ve cast a wide net this week to bring you my insight on the news. Prayerfully consider these thoughts.

Tiny: Brother Tim Cook, that sodomite CEO of Apple, has proudly unveiled Apple’s newest iPhone. Now, you may remember last year when Timmy unveiled the 6+ iPhone and I instantly pointed out the homosecular undertones of such a number. Clearly, with the gays now having a bigger screen for their Grindr and Scruff ministries, one would expect the new incarnation to only get bigger. But no. The big news out of Cupertino, California this week is that the new iPhone is a 4-incher. What kind of gay hell marketing is this? FOUR INCHES? Still, I couldn’t help but notice that the phones used in the press release were all white. I think that speaks for itself. Praise!

Tennis: When I think of successful women in the world of tennis, any number of lesbyterians come to mind. Therefore, the latest scandal to emerge from the tennis world is ironic. Indian Wells Tournament Director, Raymond Moore, was quoted as saying that women in tennis owe a debt of gratitude to the men who came before them, and that they should “get down on their knees every night” in thanksgiving for their male predecessors. I sense that this ill-advised comment will soon be forgotten, and when asked in the future about it, the ladies of tennis will be able to proclaim, “it was briefly a problem, but we licked it!” Hallelujah!

Trade: In a historical move, President Obama has landed on Cuban soil, making him the first American President to do so since Calvin Coolidge. As relations between the U.S. and Cuba begin to relax and trade embargos are sought to be lifted, Brother Barack has gone to meet with President Raul Castro in Havana to begin the process of new relations between the two countries. It is my fervent prayer that the first item of business to be discussed in this new trade relationship will be sending Ted Cruz back to Cuba. We simply don’t want him here anymore. And we’ll trade him for some cigars and 10 Desi Arnaz albums. Ole!

Photo Credit: Apple iPhone: www.straitstimes.com, Raymond Moore: ftw.usatoday.com, President Obama: www.straitstimes.com

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.