Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club: Virgins, Vamps & Vestings

helenholy-040616Gather ye sinners as we pray over the current state of the world.

Virgins: Virgin Airlines has been deflowered. Alaska Airlines has bought the maverick airline in a merger yet to approved by the government. On the plus side, we will no longer have to see that hedonist Richard Branson hawking his airline in all manner of get-ups. On the down side, Alaska doesn’t have a very good record when it comes to keeping virgins. Let us pray that Bristol Palin will not be a shareholder. Amen?

Vamps: We’re back to the Donald. I’ve tried to avoid giving him any press for the past several weeks, but the Lord has called me to finally speak out again. Thrice married Brother Trump, when asked about women who have abortions, suggested that those women suffer some sort of punishment for their actions. Let me be clear, I’m not a proponent of abortion as a careless form of contraception. However, having a man tell a woman what she can and cannot do with her own body seems a bit archaic. Moreover, I suggest that, if indeed these women must suffer punishment for their choices, nothing could be more severe than having to spend an evening with Brother Trump. Any other form of punishment would simply not be harsh enough. Let us pray.

Vestings: In other news, Panamanian law firm, Mossack Fonseca, has been discovered to be covering up for any number of billionaires in the world as they hide money in offshore accounts across the globe. Rich people hiding money in offshore accounts! Can you imagine? I’m going to need to whisk away to our foreign mission in Grand Cayman for a special prayer meeting on this topic. Tithe, Brothers and Sisters!

Photo Credit: Virgin Airplane – virginamerica.com; Donald Trump – hindustantimes.com; Panama Papers – commondreams.com

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.