This week’s news review is truly not fit for children, as I attempt to opine on some real filth in our world.
Cohen: Sin and degradation has landed squarely in the home of my ministry, Dallas, Texas. Andy Cohen, that filthy sodomite with Bravo TV, has extended his “Real Housewives” franchise to include our beloved city. Just so I would know exactly with what I am dealing, I watched the first episode. Where do I start? Why don’t they just call this show “Vapid”? Arguing over what makes a good charity giver? Check your scriptures. Calling white wine Jesus Juice because Jesus turned water into wine? BLASPHEMY! I am going to call the Lord Almighty down on his private cell number to have him come down and turn these drunks into pillars of salt. Put THAT on your margarita, Brother Cohen. Olĕ!
Cruz: There are some topics which just shouldn’t be discussed in polite company. Much less in black and white newspaper and internet fonts. However, in unearthing past legal opinions of Brother Ted Cruz, it was revealed that he believes that “there is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.” I can deal with that discreet and scientific wording. However, the press merely deciphered this into “Cruz Hates Masturbation”. Lord, help us all. First of all, why do we care? Secondly, Brother Cruz’ college roommate went public with his opinion that this is clearly “a new belief of his.” And finally, I have a hard enough time looking Ted in the face on my Magnavox…now the image of him spanking his monkey has left an indelible mark on my brain. I think I’m gonna upchuck.
Crack: Ultra-thin superstar, Gwyneth Paltrow, was recently interviewed about her eating habits. To make a point about her disdain for processed foods, Sister GP emphatically declared that she would rather smoke crack that to eat spray cheese out of a can. Brothers and Sisters, I can’t personally give testimony to whether or not Gwynie has had Cheez-Wiz on a Triscuit. However, her appearance, demeanor, and general oddness seem to give testimony to the fact that she has indeed given up canned cheese for a good crack pipe. So, next time someone says “hi” to her, see if she responds with “I certainly am.” Praise the Lord!
Photo Credit: Real Housewives of Dallas – WFAA; Ted Cruz – Buzzfeed; Gwyneth Paltrow – Vogue
Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.