Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club: Cruz, Cruise & Crews

heleholy-05_04_16Another week brings another opportunity for ministry in the news. May these thoughts on current events speak to you heart.

Cruz: I have heard it all! That cry baby, orange skinned former Speaker of the House, John Boehner, has embraced his private citizen status and allowed himself to speak his mind freely. Not that Brother JB no longer has to face any sort of election, he recently shared his honest appraisal of Presidential Candidate Ted Cruz. While I am NOT a fan of that Canadian Cuban, I have stopped short of accusing him of being otherworldly. But I tip my hat to Johnny Boehner who has declared Teddy Cruz to be “Lucifer in the Flesh”. There you have it. Testimony from a Republican Christian. Just to be sure, somebody needs to shave Teddy’s head and see if there’s a numerical tattoo up there somewhere. If 999 is found on his head, turn him upside down and drive a silver stake through his heart and let the power of Christ compel you to vote for someone else. AMEN!

Cruise: The Ricky Ricardo Tropicana Cruise is once again boarding passengers. This week, the first American cruise ship to travel to Cuba in decades docked in Havana. Unfortunately, it was a Carnival ship out of Miami, so we know that it was not a luxurious passage. However, the Cuban passengers on board all commented that it was far nicer than the vessels that their ancestors had made the trip on. Let us pray that this new door of tourism will also welcome safer passage for ALL people between these two countries and that, in spite of Carnival’s reputation as a mobile home with a rudder, it will be a far better option than a boat made out of a Clorox bleach bottle/air mattress combo. Ahoy, Amigos!

Crews: The NFL continues to amaze me with their loosening morals and decorum. In last week’s first draft picks, the Dallas Cowboy’s picked Ohio State player, Ezekiel Elliott as a new player on the Cowboy Crew. What a blessing to have a man named Ezekiel playing for God’s Own Team. Yet my spiritual fervor was dashed against the rocks when Brother Elliott opened his jacket to reveal a crop top shirt. Such filth. Crop tops are for loose women, not macho football players. But, as the Lord showed me in prayer, NFL players all across the country wear capri pants with their uniforms, so why am I surprised at this sudden feminization of fashion? Let’s just pray that Brother Ezekiel doesn’t try to use a public bathroom in this get up. I mean, which one would he use? Join me in prayer.

Photo Credit: John Boehner/Ted Cruz– daytondailynews.com; Cruise Ship – CBSNews.com; Ezekiel Elliott– FoxSports.com

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.