Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club: Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves

helenholy-05_25_16I wasn’t born in the wagon of a travelin’ show, but there are some half-breed idiots in this world. I’d rather turn back time than have to report on the following happenings in the world today. Take Me Home!

Gypsies: The ageless, one-named diva of music just turned 70 years old. Let me break that down. Cher is 70. 70!! The next time I hear some vapid 30-year old sodomite complain that he’s aging, I’m going to personally have Sister Sarkisian come here on a mission trip to slap the living daylights out of them. Granted, Cher’s face has transitioned more than her only child’s gender, but the gal looks good. I’m looking forward to Sister Cher’s nursing home tour next year. Whoa!

Tramps: As I was reading my news on the interwebs this week, I came across a story of utter (udder?) oddness.  A woman in New Jersey is offering to make jewelry out of women’s breast milk. Do I need to repeat that? Yes, the breast milk is processed and hardened into a substance which can be molded like small pearls. Allegedly, this jewelry can mark the special bond between mother and child. I…it’s…the thing is…uh…I’m at a loss. Maybe if the baby daddy had given the mother a pearl necklace nine months ago, we wouldn’t even be having this conversation! Glory!

Thieves: I have about HAD IT with alleged ministers of the Word proclaiming that they have the final truth on all things worldly! We all know that I am clearly the foremost Christian in Dallas, Texas. Yet that “so-gay-I-lisp-on-a-D” senior minister of First Baptist Church here in Dallas, Robert Jeffress, has stepped in it again with his latest pronouncement. According to Pastor Jeffress, transgender-friendly businesses are a greater threat to America than ISIS. Translated…Target is a bigger threat than ISIS. Brother Jeffress, as a fellow Christian, you are stealing my serenity. Let me share this word which the Lord has given me. And I mean it in all manner of Christian love. YOU’RE AN IDIOT! Thank you, Lord.

Photo Credit: Cher – wtop.com; Breast Milk – abcnews.com; Pastor Jeffress – dallasnews.com

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.