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The 701 Club: Reforming, Reveling & Resurrecting

Helen Holy -newAs sinners everywhere dry out from their 4th of July debauchery, let us consider these sobering thoughts.

Reforming: History repeating itself. In 1776, the Brits really got their panties in a wad when a group chose to leave the monarchy and establish a new country which we call America. Now, 240 years later, another group of people have voted to remove Britain from the European Union. And panties are a-twitchin’ again. As a result, British currency has fallen dramatically. Brothers and Sisters, let us take this opportunity to take a mission trip to the Brits. Not only are they in a crisis which needs our personal touch, but there’s a sale at Harrod’s! Cheerio!

Reveling: God Bless America! Patriots everywhere gathered to celebrate the 240th birthday of our great nation this past weekend. Beer flowed, fireworks exploded and our flag was represented in everything from blouses to bundt cakes. Yes, brothers and sisters, let us revel in our freedom. And now that the celebration is passed, we’ve got four months to get on our knees and pray that is doesn’t all come crashing down in November. If Benjamin Franklin were around to see the choices we have for President, I daresay he’d get that kite out, wait for a thunderstorm, and fly it with metal wire. Glory!

Resurrecting: Poor little Lindsey Lohan. What a hard life she has lived. And this past weekend, she celebrated her big 3-0. Let me say this, Jesus began his ministry in earnest at the age of 30, so perhaps there is hope now for Sister LL to turn her life around. By the same token, Jesus also died at 33, so there’s that. Comparisons aside, take a long look at photos of Sister Lohan on the interwebs. That is the ROUGHEST 30 I’ve seen in ages. 30 or 33, Sister has already been crucified in the press and has committed sins for which she might have died. I make these analogies so that all people may be prepared for the Second Coming of her career. We need to pray.

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.