Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

The 701 Club: Dallas, Dumbass & Downloads

Helen Holy - sittingLord, give us all strength to live without fear. And give us wisdom to avoid the lunacy in our world today. Join me, brothers and sister, in praying over the following concerns.

Dallas: Evil on this earth is just getting too close to home for me. As my ministry is based in Dallas, last week’s shootings have put us on the map again for the wrong reasons. Let me assure my readers that there are fine people in this city, myself included, who are aghast at the behaviors of a few. I am praying for all parties involved and for a revival of love and compassion in our city. In the meantime, the Lord has me busy with some of His other followers in this city and state who are proving themselves to be idiots by simply opening their mouths. You all know how much a love to lay hands on others, but I’m afraid that my touch to some fellow “Christians” in Texas will be more along the lines of a slap. Pray for me.

Dumbass: Former U.S. Representative Joe Walsh made news in the days following the Dallas shootings by saying “5 Dallas Cops killed, 7 wounded. This is now war. Watch out Obama. Watch out black lives matter punks. Real America is coming after you.” Charming. Of course, Brother Walsh insisted he didn’t mean death to the President, stating that he didn’t “know of a sane person that would do that.” Brother Walsh, have you noticed the people who have been killing lately? Sanity hasn’t been one of their strong suits. Therefore, let me say to you Brother Walsh, in all Christian earnestness…shut up. Just…just, shut up! Amen.

Downloads: I’m one of the rare people who still use my phone for its intended purpose…to speak to my fellow human beings in a communicative manner. Others, however, are glued to their cellular devices in all manner of activities meant to further divide us through inane apps and games. Now some idiot has come up with “Pokemon Go”, a cellular phone game which uses real time locations within its fantasy land. Now, I don’t partake of this filth, but I have to keep myself educated on all of today’s time wasters. Therefore, the Lord and I will be hacking into the Pokemon Go mainframe within the next four months so that we can ensure players will discover these little Asian emojis in and around polling places on November 8. Get out the vote!

Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.