Let us turn our focus to more lighthearted fare this week, lest we wallow in the misery of the world about us. Read on, ye faithful!
Donald: The Republican National Convention is underway in the Land of Cleve in Ohio. I have no doubt that there will be shenanigans between the time I write this and the day it appears in my column. But this whole week promises to be a travesty of epic proportions. Will there be a surprise coup of the GOP revealing an unannounced candidate for President? Will the Trumpence ticket embarrass itself any further? Will anyone even show up? I’ll say one thing for the Donald. THIS reality show he’s disguising as a presidential campaign will certainly be worth watching, just for the surprises. Grab the popcorn, Brothers and Sisters. Hallelujah!
Dancing: The interweb is abuzz with finger pointing and tongue-clucking at former President George W. Bush. While attending the memorial service in Dallas for the fallen police officers, Brother Bush gave a rather stately speech of compassion. I, for one, was touched by this heretofore unseen display of statesmanship. However, never one to disappoint, during the singing of the “Battle Hymn of the Republic” as all dignitaries onstage clasped hands with one another in a show of unity, George was overcome with a spirit of movement and began to dance, swinging clasped hands with his lovely wife on one side and Sister Michele Obama on the other. Dancing! At a memorial service! Lord help us. This just clarifies to me that George W. Bush is a METHODIST. No self-respecting Babatist would ever be caught DEAD dancing on camera! Glory!
Degradation: Speaking of Methodists, those ungodly Protestants have just gone too far. On July 16, a married lesbian was consecrated as the church’s first openly gay bishop. A Lesbyterian Methodist! I am speechless I’m just praying that she never serves a charismatic congregation anywhere. I’d hate for her to lead a congregation where a there is a regular occurrence of a gift of tongues! Shecameinahonda!
Sister Helen Holy of the First Southern Fried, Self-Satisfied Baptist Church is the arbiter of all that’s good and Christian in this world. When not ministering to heathens at events on dry land nationwide, she can frequently be found taking her ministry to the high seas on RSVP Cruises, where she spends most of the week on her knees “in prayer.” Be sure to follow Sister Helen Holy on Facebook at www.facebook.com/helen.holy.