Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

High Anxiety

craig-headshotNow that we’re just days away from the first presidential debate, there’s a blanket of anxiety cloaking the nation’s voters. I won’t include non-voters for reasons I’m just not prepared to discuss.

Clinton supporters are anxious to the point of bed wetting, especially since Nate Silver—one of my favorite geeks—has dropped the probability of a Clinton win to below 58 percent. (This might be a good time to put those rubber sheets your ex-boyfriend gave you up on eBay, assuming you still have the box they came in. Only some seriously nasty people would buy used rubber sheets.) Secretary Clinton needs to hit that reset button hard next Monday night, and her supporters know it.

Trump supporters are anxious because, well, they’re Trump supporters. If you’re supporting Trump and not particularly anxious about something, then you’re not paying attention to your guy. He’s given you a list of things to be anxious about, so pick something, for goodness sake.

The rest of the voters are anxious because they know that either Clinton or Trump will be elected, and they are anxious about having to make a decision about which prospect creates more (or less) anxiety.

Over at Democratic Debate Camp, Secretary Clinton is preparing to debate any of the various versions of Donald Trump that have been presented in the course of his campaign. Mexico Donald, Republican Debate Donald, Flint Donald, Sybil, Eve Black, Eve White, the third face of Eve. There’s even debate prep on what to do if Trump brings up Bill Clinton’s infidelities. (All I ask is that Trump not bring up a certain person by name, as I so don’t want to go there. Again.) Sounds like an anxious bunch to me.

Meanwhile, Trump says he’s not doing anything formal for debate prep. After all, how much does one need to do to prepare for an episode of “Celebrity Grudge Match”? His handlers must be feeling pretty anxious, what with Trump getting 90 minutes of uninterrupted airtime without a teleprompter.

And what am I anxious about? Oh, I wonder if Secretary Clinton will have a fresh blowout right before the debate so her hair won’t be too flat. Or maybe she’ll wear an unflattering color…or something that clashes with orange. I wonder if Trump will finally use some makeup so the skin around his eyes matches the rest of his face. These are the things that make me anxious.

Anybody got a Xanax?