Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Lions and Tigers and Bears

“I don’t like this forest. It’s…it’s dark and creepy.” So said Dorothy Gale from Kansas, but they sound like words coming from virtually every Democrat drawing breath these days. When the Tin Woodman tells her and the Scarecrow about the additional possibility of lions, tigers and bears, the trio is drawn down the yellow brick road at an increasing, if trepidatious, pace.

While Dorothy and Company only encountered one cowardly lion, the Democrats on the new yellow brick road of 2017 seem to have a plethora of lions, tigers and bears with which to contend. Just look at the way the cabinet is coming together.

There’s Tillerson from Exxon, with his dubious ties to Russia and Putin. And “Mad Dog” Mattis, who probably would terrify Democrats except for the fact that he was appointed by Obama to replace Petraeus back in 2010. Add on Elisabeth DeVos (not “Betsy” as I don’t know her, and neither do you) who—well, I’m not even going there. Plus Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III, from Selma, Alabama—whose name alone could be disqualifying.

Of course there are more appointments needing Senate confirmation, and I’m sure that each of them will have their ethics, integrity and competence called into question. That’s actually part of the process.

But, in all likelihood, they’ll all be voted through, while the new Cowardly Lion—bullying Democrats and Republicans alike, just like the old one bullied Toto—will continue doing his “King of the Forest” number.

But it wasn’t lions, tigers and bears that our Kansas damsel in distress needed to worry about. No, it was the Wicked Witch of the West. You clever boys and girls are ahead of me in this Oz analogy. I can just feel it.

No, our new witch isn’t Kellyanne Conway, for several reasons.

First, I have tremendous respect for witches. Second, casting a woman as a witch—while tempting, under the circumstances—would unduly upset my liberal friends. And Kellyanne is more like the chief flying monkey, bouncing up and down on the Wicked Witch’s lap. Plus, there’s a bad joke to be made comparing Margaret Hamilton’s make-up—well, I’m not going there either.

Saturday Night Live, which has been spot on in its satire, did miss the boat on one point recently. There’s not a Grim Reaper in the White House. (I have respect for the Grim Reaper, too.) It has been reported (google it) that it was the fact that the lampooning of Sean Spicer was done by a woman that really got the goat of the new King of the Forest. Melissa McCarthy emasculated Spicer, and the King “doesn’t like his people to look weak.”

I’m just thinking out loud, but wouldn’t it have been delicious if Leslie Jones or Kate McKinnon had given Steve Bannon the treatment as the Wicked Witch?

I’d like to stretch this analogy just one more inch (and who among you have not asked for, well, never mind), but that’s not possible.

The Oz story ends tidily, and the one playing out in real time won’t. The Democrats are unlikely to cause Bannon and his “beautiful wickedness” to melt with a bucket of water. Nor will tapping their Louboutin’s together three times cause them to wake up back in Kansas. (Or California, since they’re Democrats.) There isn’t a good witch named Glinda or Hillary or Elizabeth to tell them what to do, and there isn’t even a yellow brick road to lead them out of the forest.

They are going to have to clean up this mess and figure it out for themselves. They don’t need Nancy Pelosi; they need Christina Crawford.

For my part, I don’t care that there weren’t any tigers in the movie and only one cowardly lion. But bears? You tease with bears, but no bears? That’s just wrong.