It’s a slow news week, but I’m never at a loss for commentary!
Gowns. Another round of Hollywood self-indulgence has left its mess on the boob tube. Last Sunday’s SAG Awards telecast was truly an orthopedic wonder as 100s of celebrities were able to pat themselves on the back without breaking an arm. Of course, these are the only awards voted on by fellow actors, and not a bevy of drunk journalists. Television AND movie awards are included here, and questionable attire was equally represented in both mediums. I don’t want to waste time detailing my opinions other than to say that Sister Emily Blunt needs to return her dress to its rightful owner, Judy Jetson.
Gays. I think I’m gonna vomit. It’s bad enough that I have to avert my eyes from the scantily clad cheerleaders at football games. But NOW…………..it has been announced that this year’s Super Bowl will show, for the first time, MALE cheerleaders on the Rams sidelines. Look, I’ve grown accustomed to the filthy antics of bouncy breasts and barely concealed female buttocks here at Dallas Cowboy games. But I daresay that these new “men” cheerleaders are going to be parading their homosexuality on national TV. I mean, what kind of fine Christian heterosexual man would dare prance on the field in such a way? Alas, I plan on watching this escapade very closely in the event that I need to fall on my knees in an attitude of rebuke towards these sinful creatures. If we’re lucky, it will all be distracting to Brother Tom Brady and he’ll be led to deflate his balls just a bit in response.
Guts. It seems like every day brings an announcement of someone else deciding to run for POTUS in 2020. Can’t these people give us all a rest for a few months?? I do not dare to make any predictions or endorsements this early in the game, but some potential candidates do give me pause. The latest to enter the fray is Starbucks CEO, Howard Schultz. Can you imagine? Going from leading Starbucks to leading this great country? Under such leadership, I would have to predict the following results: higher prices on everything, confusing names for income classes (are the 1%ers the Trentas of our land?), welfare recipients wanting an extra pump of everything, and a crowd of millennials standing around obliviously blocking anyone from trying to have a say in government. To make matters worse, Donny Trump says that Brother Schultz “doesn’t have the guts” to be President. Listen here…..few presidents in recent history have had the kind of gut that Trump has, so let’s pray that Schultz would be in far better shape!