Buckle up, Sinners. We’ve got some praying to do!
Swans. I’m breaking out the black dress again in mourning for another Sister-in-Christ. Sister Gloria Vanderbilt has finally met her reward and the age of 95. Such a long life of suffering, searching for love and hair dye. She was pure proof that wealth is not a guarantee of happiness. She leaves a long line of denim scraps left from her Gloria Vanderbilt jeans empire. Swans across the world are bowing their heads in deference. Praying that she find comfort in reuniting with the son she lost at such a young age. She is survived by another son, Brother Anderson Cooper, whom I shall be soon reaching out to touch in comfort. Let us pray.
Straight. I’m so sick and tired of hearing about how June is “Pride Month.” I never know if this is about a bunch of lions or a bunch of gays. Thank goodness, there’s now a Straight Pride Parade in certain cities. I know exactly who I’m dealing with here. Looking forward to seeing some fine heterosexual people marching through the streets with very little rhythm, colorless floats, misspelled placards and a kazoo band. Because we all need to be reminded that fine Christian heteros need to proclaim their mediocrity and pride in their ordinariness. Yay?
Sanders. I want to wish a happy future to Sister Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Last Thursday, she announced that she was stepping down as White House Press Secretary. Since I am familiar with carrying heavy burdens, I can only assume that the weight of the lies piled up on her shoulders caused her to be quite heavy-laden. Therefore, I am praying that she take some much needed rest to heal her soul and weariness. Won’t you donate to my Sarah Relaxation Fund? I’ll be arranging a vacation for her to the Dominican Republic where she can lie by the pool and enjoy a few beverages. Hallelujah!