Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Sequestered, Sequins & Sequels

My column this week is right on Q.

Sequestered.  The beasts of the sea are getting cranky.  There were not one, but TWO shark attacks off the eastern coast of Florida this past weekend.  Who exactly is spilling chum in the water to attract these creatures?  And why are they seemingly confusing people for fish?  These are questions I simply cannot answer.  But based on the two attacks, these toothy Flippers are not sequestered in any specific part of coastal Florida and seem to be moving southward.  I am praying for divine direction southward to Palm Beach.  No particular reason.  Seriously.  But still praying.

Sequins.  Country star and chesty icon, Dolly Parton, made a surprise appearance last weekend at the Newport Folk Festival.  Dressed in a yellow, sequin and rhinestone-studded pantsuit, she was cut quite a figure among the more common lesbyterian chic attire seen.  And speaking of lesbyterians, Sister Dolly’s appearance was to sing her famous song, “I Will Always Love You” as a duet with homosecular singer Brandi Carlile.  Disgusting.  The overtones of the lyrics took on new meaning of degrading proportion.  The late Brother Porter Waggoner, who is credited with giving Sister Parton her start, must be spinning in his grave.  Not because the song was allegedly written with him in mind upon Dolly’s departure from his care.  Not because Dolly was singing with a lesbyterian.  No, brothers and sister, Porter Waggoner was screaming from the great beyond because that yellow sequin and rhinestone pantsuit was HIS!  (Any you can only get it in boxes of Breeze!)

Sequels.  It seems that no one in Hollyweird has had an original idea in quite some time.  These days, there’s a glut of remakes and sequels at the movies.  The latest on the cinematic horizon is a remake of Brother Tom Cruise’s homo-infused film, TOP GUN.  Even the title is pulled directly from Sodom.  Tommy is still starring in this film although he’s no spring chicken anymore.  One noticeable missing face in the sequel will be Sister Kelli McGillis who played Tommy’s girlfriend in the original movie.  I have to snicker when I say girlfriend, but it was acting.  I have not heard any specific reason why Sister McG was not invited to participate, but I’m going to surmise it’s because she is an avowed lesbyterian now and there wouldn’t be enough closet space for Brother Cruise in his trailer.  Amen?