Hear ye, O Heathens, these musings of my ministry.
Pens. From our business desk comes news of an uptick in stock prices for Newell Brands, Inc., makers of Sharpie pens. Sales of Sharpies have increased, particularly in the Washington, DC, market. While there is speculation as to the cause of this sales increase, business seemed to pick up around the time of Hurricane Dorian. Captains of industry are following the lead of some political leaders to use Sharpies for amendment of sales tactics and visual presentations. In a related story, The White House has confirmed that a replacement for National Security Advisor, John Bolton, is being “drawn up.” Glory!
Palins. Another fine Christian marriage has come to a sinful end. Brother Todd Palin has filed for divorce from his maverick wife, Sister Sarah. After 31 years, it seems that Todd has finally reached the point that he can no longer “consummate” the brains out of her, since there is no gray matter left. Let us pray for this couple as they enter a new phase of life and, with her now defunct marriage, Sarah considers a job with fellow marriage-failer, Newt Gingrich. When asked to comment, Palin daughter, Sister Bristol, is rumored to have said that she was elated that she and her mother would now be out of wedlock together. Rejoice!
Prohibitions. I keep hearing about the dangers of vaping and the government’s consideration of prohibiting such activity, especially among teens. Listen, I have used a vaporizer chock full of Vicks Vapo-Rub while I sleep as a sure cure for all manner of respiratory issues since I was a little girl. I’m not about to stand by while young people are forbidden access to this tried and true homegrown treatment. The government needs to stay out of our bedrooms!