Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Da Vinci, Da Value, Da Volvo

The Lord has spoken to me this week. And he had a Brooklyn accent.

Da Vinci.  Let us rejoice that the final filthy awards show of the year has passed us.  Television gave out its statues for alleged excellence this past weekend.  I noticed a distinct theme of debauchery this year.  Brother Billy Porter became the first black, avowed sodomite to win lead actor in a drama series.  Avowed.  Like we didn’t know.  That hat made him look like a 737 with a missing wing!  Then the talk about transgender issues.  Disgusting.  Then the usual “fashion” disasters.  Although I did enjoy that Game of Thrones tramp doing her best “Jesus Christ in a Da Vinci painting” outfit.  But I have to hand it to Sister Michelle Williams and her plea for equal pay for women.  I’ll be darned if Pat Robertson is going to be more compensated for his work over me.  Just to be sure, I’ve made the title of this column just a LITTLE BIT better than him.  Praise!

Da Value.  Speaking of Da Vinci, did you hear about the painting found in a woman’s kitchen near Paris?  It turns out to be a lost masterpiece by 13th-century Florentine painter Cimabue, whoever THAT is.  Big deal, right?  Well, brothers and sisters, it IS a big deal because that little painting is worth over $6 million.  $6 million!  Hanging over a hot plate in France.  I don’t know about you, but I’m taking my framed picture of Jesus knocking at the door down to Antiques Roadshow.  It may not be worth $6 million, but mine’s been hanging over a REAL stove and has some seriously old grease splatters on it.  SOLD!

Da Volvo.  Out of the mouths of babes.  Young Sister Greta Thunberg recently shared her testimony before the climate action summit at the United Nations.  Known for her activism on climate change in her homeland of Sweden, Sister Greta really let the alleged adults at the UN have it.  Pretty impressive communication for a girl diagnosed with Asperger’s (look it up).  Look, the only thing I know about climate change is limited to the thermostat in my home.  But I think I’d listen to this young woman.  Anyone who’s choked down that much Volvo exhaust in Stockholm oughta know what she’s talking about!  Glory!