Brothers and Sister, I have prayed about how the Lord spoke through me this year and feel the need to share with you what I believe to be my Top Ten stories of 2019, in chronological order. I’ll leave to each of your own prayer lives to decide your favorite.
Fans. I have long been familiar with the various types of themed charters of ships on the high seas. Nudist charters (not enough Purell in the world), Christian charters (lots of people on their knees), and Gay charters (lots of people on their knees). But I don’t know how I feel about this. There is going to be a Golden Girls-themed cruise on the Celebrity Infinity in 2020. According to the press release, fans can expect a Rusty Anchor Karaoke Party and Shady Pines Craft Corner, as well as a “Golden Girls” costume contest, Dorothy’s Bingo and a Night in St. Olaf Dance Party. Throw in an orgy night for the slut from the show, and you’ll have a full schedule. Regardless, I know enough sodomites to make an informed suggestion that there will be very few biological women in the costume contest. Disgusting.
Christian. I can’t help but notice that the flock of Demoncrat presidential candidates are speaking openly about their faith. Unbelievable. How can these LIBERALS be religious? I’ll tell you what, though. If Brother Trump can be accepted as the evangelical messiah, I’m prepared to see Brother Sanders walk the aisle and rededicate his life to Jesus. Praise!
Butt. One potential Presidential contender is continuing to catch my attention, if nothing else, for his last name. I don’t know how ANYONE could say “President Butt Gag” without smirking. (I have just been informed by my secretary that it is pronounced BOOT-EDGE-EDGE. Whatever.) The name just conjures up filth. Add to that the fact that this person is a known sodomite. AND his name is “Peter”. It really goes downhill. Still, in fairness, I’ve done some reading. (Know thine enemy.) Behold, Brother B is actually intelligent, has some good ideas and is as talented as the music director at my church. And he recently issued a verbal SNAP to VP Mike Penssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssse, saying that if Mikey has an “issue with who I am, your problem is not with me — your quarrel, sir, is with my Creator.” I never argue with God, so I shall still my tongue and say no more. Amen.
Snuff. I must pause to reflect on the recent news out of Paris. At the initial signs of smoke coming from the roof of Notre Dame Cathedral, I assumed they’d elected a new pope. However, my mild disinterest in all things Catholic turned to grief and concern when it was clear there was fire engulfing this ancient edifice. I have to admit that I have visited Notre Dame and have always been a fan of Disney’s film about the church. (I had a hunch back when I saw it that it would always ring a bell with people, but I digress.) Let us rejoice that the great building was not a total loss and can be rebuilt for generations of Catholics to stop for a sandwich on the way to Purgatory. On a side note, I got to hear the massive pipe organ being played during my visit and was quick to tell many about it. News reports are saying that, after the fire was snuffed out, the instrument has been spared from the inferno. Let us then rejoice about this big organ which has been preserved for many to enjoy and offer their own oral testimony. Hallelujah!
Bobby. Bobby Mueller gave his final interview regarding his book report on Russia and America. Essentially, Bobby declared that there was indeed proof of Russian meddling in the 2016 American presidential election. He also said that he could not bring judgment against Brother Don solely (allegedly) since it’s against the law to indict a sitting president. (Why didn’t he make him stand up then??) I don’t know about you, but this is the oddest version of vindication I’ve ever seen. Look, it is my duty to bring a Christian perspective to the news, so let me put this all in biblical terms. When Pontius Pilate had Jesus brought before him in judgment, Pilate declined to find any fault in the man despite the call from the masses to indict him. And we all know how that story turned out. Therefore, I am having three crosses constructed on a Hill called Capital, and I’m brushing up on my rendition of “If I Had a Hammer.” Stay tuned.
Bradley. In case you missed it, Brother Bradley Cooper and his betrothed, Irina Shayk, have gone their separate ways. Be ye not grieved over any loss of love here. Brother Cooper got his Oscar and Irina’s contract was up. One might say that it was time for sweet Bradley to shave his beard.
Bieber. Well, there’s this. Little Justin Bieber has announced that he would like to fight Tom Cruise. Why on earth? I’ll say this though…….based on my closely held convictions about these two souls, I daresay any such fight will denigrate into wrestling. And oil, mud or whip cream will be involved. Verily I say unto you, I would skip prayer meeting to view that.
Flesh. The interwebs are aflutter with condemnation and chatter over a recent casting announcement for Disney’s live-action THE LITTLE MERMAID. Even though I often question the Disney Company’s morality, they do produce some lovely films for the children including the animated version of said Mermaid saga. Now, in remaking this epic with real actors, a young black woman is set to play the mermaid, Ariel. I will admit that this is a diversion from the pale, red-headed girl in the cartoon, but why the fuss? Mermaids aren’t real, so why should it matter their flesh tone? And more importantly, if you are having concern over the ethnicity of a fabled Disney princess, I want to be a fly on the wall when you finally meet the real Jesus. Hallelujah!
President. This just in. President Donald Trump has revealed his favorite and least favorite Broadway musicals. At the top of the list is the rather obscure 1980 show, A DAY IN HOLLYWOOD/A NIGHT IN THE UKRAINE. While Donny consistently enjoys this rarely seen show, he has likewise stated his utter disdain for the Stephen Sondheim classic, ANYONE CAN WHISTLE. Quite frankly, I’d like to take him to a production of a musical good for the entire family. Perhaps “JAMES AND THE GIANT (im)PEACH? I need to see if the tour will be at the Ford’s Theater in DC anytime soon. Showtime!
Traffic. And finally, Mr. President, if you insist on continuing to hold this country hostage, I’d like to prayerfully invite you to consider going to play in the nearest freeway.