Another year, another start, more trash. Let us pray.
Hornets. Our fearless leader has shown his swagger and power by ordering the killing of a top Iranian General. I support taking action towards those who harm our citizens. I also support removal of hornet’s nests under my eaves. I just don’t believe that attacking said hornet’s nest like a piñata will solve the problem without secondary consequences. Unless, of course, I was trying to deflect attention from the fact that my condo association was trying to paint our building in peach and I was trying to keep the contractors away. Are you following me, Brothers and Sisters?
Heretics. The Methodists (or as I call them, Babatists without a moral compass) are about to make like a banana and split. I keep saying that the sodomites and lesbyterians have way too much power. First, they cause natural disasters to strike. Second, they threaten everyone’s marriage. And now they are dividing an entire religious denomination. Enough. Now, the United Methodist Church is making advances towards un-uniting over the gays in the church. Their problem, not mine. I will, however, be interested to see which congregations go which way. I’m guessing that the ones who side with continuing to exclude these sinners will face decaying altar flowers, parlor furniture in disrepair and an overall decline in choral music. Oh well, hide and watch people. Hide and watch.
Harlots. As you know, part of my Christian duty is to stay abreast of filth on television. There is no better place to start than an awards show, and the Golden Globes were a broadcast cornucopia of trash like no other. Displays of cleavage, both real and store-bought (Ms. Arquette and Ms. Hayek), potty-mouthed hosts (Mr. Gervais), sodomites (Mr. Porter and others incognito) lesbyterians (Ms. McKinnon and Ms. Degeneres), public displays of drunkenness (Mr. Phoenix and Ms. Zellweger), and enough pitiful dress choices to choke a horse (too many to name, but I’m praying extra for you, Sister Lopez). Gird your loins, Brothers and Sisters. Awards season is just beginning and I’ll be ready to save you from this filth at every turn. Stay tuned.