These are end times, Brothers and Sisters. Isolate!
Touch. So many people are “self-isolating” in light of the threat of coronavirus. I understand the concern, but my ministry is reliant on the ability to lay hands on others. What to do? I will be starting a “virtual touch” ministry with which I will be available for spiritual feeling, uh, healing via the interwebs. Each virtual touch will be recorded so that, upon return to normalcy, I will spend my time making up for each one through an extensive Sister Helen Anointing Tour. I’m hoarding anointing oils in preparations. Glory!
Tissue. Speaking of hoarding, I’ve been having trouble finding bathroom tissue at the grocery store. This paranoid pandemic panic has caused a run on, of all things, toilet paper. Brothers and Sisters, from what I understand, coronavirus is not an affliction of the bowels. Months from now, people will be using excess Charmin to leave notes for loved ones. In the midst of all this hoarding and stockpiling, I daresay that the Mormons are looking in their pantries and garages and thinking, “amateurs!” Praise!
Travel. Clearly, the most well-known petri dishes of germs are cruise ships. People are stranded on ships with no port willing to let them disembark while illness spreads on every deck like mayonnaise at a picnic. Yet, cruises are such a glorious way to relax and be refreshed in seaside destinations. To that end, my latest Special Offering will go to our esteemed President who, due to his tireless efforts deflecting blame for our current ails, more than deserves a rest. Once funds are raised, I’ve got Holland America on speed dial for the Presidential Suite on a slow boat to China. Ahoy!