Cold hard fact from my warm heart.
Football. Many of you are aware of my support of the ministry of brother J.J. Watt in Houston Texas. Brother Watt has been a very visible member of Houston’s professional football team, and he showed true Christian Mercy after the disaster of hurricane Harvey in that great city. His benevolence and mission outreach we’re impeccable. Now he has decided to leave the football team for unknown reasons. I am planning on sending his lovely wife on a weekend women’s ministry retreat so that I may spend my time on my knees with Brother Watt in prayer and oral testimony regarding his future. Glory.
Flynt. Brothers and sisters, when I wish to make note of someone leaving this life, I usually say that “the Lord called them home”. However, someone passed last week that I am convinced is currently in a row boat in the lake of fire. I am referring to Larry Flynt, publisher of one of the filthiest magazines to ever pass through a printer. It is my belief that the Lord tried to mend his wicked ways by striking him lame into a wheelchair for the latter part of his life. Yet Larry rolled over decorum with ease. It only took one look at his magazine (I was doing missionary work) for me to know that there was no reason for him to display parts of the female anatomy that should never see the light of day. Many will say that he was a beacon for the first amendment rights of all Americans. Fine. I’m going to exercise my first amendment right now. Give my regards to Lucifer, you filthy pervert.
Frozen. Speaking of the underworld, I feel certain that there has been a significant temperature drop on Satan’s thermostat. This is the only reason I can come up with for the bitter cold, ice, and snow that has covered my home state of Texas. Therefore, I am preparing to become a Catholic, wear a skirt above my knee, get drunk on cheap wine, and tell a sodomite that I support them unconditionally. After all, these are all things I said I would do when hell freezes over.