Put Some Gay In Your Day, Dallas!

Entendre, Double & Otherwise

Democrats negotiating with Republicans (sort of) on the hot topics of voting rights and infrastructure is pretty clearly an exercise in futility, and a foreseeable one at that.  We’ve been to this ball game before, and it’s increasingly clear that Chuck Schumer is no Mitch McConnell.

Let’s put it in football terms, which is shaky ground for me but let’s give it a go.  Schumer, quarterback for the Democrats on offense, seems to be exercising a two-fold strategy.  Not one that includes a forward pass or even running with the ball.  It looks like a combination of convincing the defensive ends to skip trying to sack the quarterback while making sure that the center doesn’t turn around and hike the ball to the other team.  How’s that working for you, Chuck?

But to be fair, we’re kind of in the early part of the second quarter, so there’s plenty of time left to play.  If the Democrats will just start playing.

Enough of this politics as football analogy.  (As an aside, imagine the confusion of someone who mistakenly assumed that the last word mentioned had an etymology similar to biology or geology.)  Let’s move directly into football news itself.

Carl Nassib, defensive end for the Las Vegas Raiders, came out as gay this week, becoming the first active NFL player to do so.  Now, that last sentence is so full of opportunities for low humor that it requires all my strength to pass on each one of them.  With all the blowback Joy Behar got for cracking a bad joke about “penetration in the end zone” related to this story, I’ll give it my best shot and try to stay on top of this discussion and avoid the temptation to bottom out when it comes to my commentary.

Admittedly, I had never heard of Mr. Nassib before this happened.  Hell, I hadn’t even heard of the Las Vegas Raiders, which honestly sounds like a fictional football team.  I suppose it’s in the nature of raiders to move around seeing how one can’t raid the same place over and over again.

With the news that Mr. Nassib was family, I knew I would need to find out more about him—get the lowdown on this instantaneous gay celebrity.  So I plopped myself down to do some serious research, starting with the only logical first step.  I googled “Carl Nassib shirtless” because that’s how many gay folks begin any real investigation.  

It seems Mr. Nassib is at least somewhat reticent about posting shirtless pictures of himself on social media, fitting but frustrating to be sure.  I was able to find one Instagram picture of him in long shot with his goddaughter at the beach.  After wearing out the Ctrl and “+” keys on my computer, I can report that the words “ripped” and “bulging” come to mind.

Coming out as an active NFL player, as opposed to the passive NFL players who have yet to do so, there was only a brief hesitation from many gay boys (guilty as charged, your honor) before indulging in the sexual objectification of Mr. Nassib.  The thought of him in the locker room with its mix of toxic masculinity and homoeroticism is adjacent to far too many gay fantasies rooted in teenage angst and pubescence to resist.

Besides, he can take it–he’s a big boy.  Literally.  At 6’7” and 275 pounds, he need not worry about any locker room bully with whom he comes in contact.  Money isn’t a concern either, as he has signed a three-year $25,000,000 contract with a $16,750,000 guarantee.

In his really cute, borderline darling, coming out video, he speaks of “finally feeling comfortable enough to get it off my chest.”  Of course, the chest reference took me back to that Instagram picture for a pretty hot minute.  Looking closer, though, I’m glad he didn’t speak of courage.  It’s 2021, but it’s still a good thing to get representation for those who might be encouraged or empowered by it. But a rich white guy who could go hunt bear with a switch surely doesn’t need courage in 2021.  Just comfort.

One last thing that made my day about Mr. Nassib.  Well, two, because I know some readers have read all of this and have only one real question.  So I’ll answer it.  Mr. Nassib’s hand size is just under 10½ inches.  Let me say that louder for the people in the back.  His HAND size is just under 10½ inches.

The other thing, the one that made me feel better about myself, was calculating his BMI—it’s 31.  Obese by that pretty bogus measurement.  But I’m already under him.  At least in that way.